The Should be Syndrome

We're not always the nicest to ourselves. I see it all the time, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always as kind to myself as I should be either. In fact, I did it again right there in that last sentence.

Negative self-talk has a way of sneaking into our lives without us even realizing it, and I believe that it stealthily steals joy from our lives. This joy theft is often rooted in comparison. Hundreds, if not thousands of times a day, we subconsciously compare ourselves to those around us. When we perceive others as better than us in some way, we start to feel like we're not living up to some imaginary standard we've set for ourselves.

The "Should Be" Syndrome

One of the biggest culprits of negative self-talk is this nagging feeling that we have to meet some arbitrary expectation, one that no one else is actually placing on us. We are placing it on ourselves, and this is where the unkindness begins.

In the gym, I hear it all the time. It sounds like:

• "I should be stronger."

• "I'm not as coordinated as I should be."

• "I should have lost more weight by now."

• "I'm not as fit as I should be."

• "I should be lifting more weight."

But it doesn't stop there; it extends to all aspects of our lives:

• "I should be sleeping more."

• "I should be a better parent."

• "I'm not spending as much time reading as I should be."

• "My house isn't as clean as it should be."

• "I should be better at overcoming my anxiety."

But here's the question: Says who?

Where do these standards we hold ourselves to come from, and why do we agree to them?

Each time we make a comparison of where we are now to where we "should be," we steal the opportunity to find joy in right now.

Where in your life do you find yourself feeling "less than"?

Who's placing that standard on you?

Did you agree to have that standard placed on you?

Maybe it's time to renegotiate some of these expectations, even if you're the one setting those standards. This aligns well with my feelings on goal setting. Set your goals based on behaviors and efforts, not based on outcomes. It is our day-to-day behaviors that determine the people we become, not setting arbitrary standards on ourselves that aren't relevant to the person we are today.

I strongly encourage you to give yourself permission to be the person you are right now. Don't put yourself down for being you. If you want to change some aspects of your life, remember that it starts with changing some of your current behaviors and being consistent with those changes. Remember, you're already pretty excellent, just as you are.